NPD - BPD

Often when people have BPD they have NPD and I from what I have read, they are completely intertwined.  I found a character on You Tube who discusses NPD eloquently. He discusses NPD from a male perspective but he also took the majority of Robin's symptoms and breathed life into my everyday experience.  I invite you to watch them if you suspect that your partner, like mine, is either BPD or Narcissistic. The videos are rather poignant and very true for my life. There are at least 12 of these short films. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24sjYlydAuw&feature=related

If nothing else, I have found that the crazy making component of the disorder is the most difficult and yet one of the most important characteristics of these conditions. 

Back in the Trap. Out babe.

I am such an idiot. 

Back in the trap again - the one where he says something stupid and I have such a verbose need to strike back.  I know it.............I hit, bit, snipped at the buttons that he left dangling for me.  One bit of emotion, withdrawl of affection - you deserve it, no you don't ................he is in the cycle.

Which translates in real terms to " I am in the cycle".

So now that I am in it, I get to decide.  Do I want to play or do I want to stop responding all together.  Look, if he needs to feel like he has the upper hand - let him think that way.  So what.  It doesn't have to affect you if you don't let it. 

He was an abusive man and he knows how to play the game.  You are wanting, as usual, to change the mind of a man who isn't capable of changing his tactics.  You keep wanting him to react like a normal person would. He can't.  He can't - and I repeat again - He CAN'T............and no amount of compassion will ever stop him from creating drama in your life.  You are the only one who can end the drama. 

He is in Cycle. You don't have to be.  You don't have to react or lower yourself - he doesn't and won't get it.
Not today, tomorrow - never.

In just a few short weeks ....................this will all be done. You won't have to worry about being nice or being kind, or being afraid.

Almost there.

And there it is.

Never offer a person with BPD an olive branch.  Their communication field is way out of wack.  Their perception is confusing and you think that everything is fine - then wham.  They come back at you with resentment and anger and they just don't see their contribution to the problem.  They are perpetual victims, "just trying to get through". There wrath or hurt or anxiety or frustration has no bearing on you.  You have no idea what is going on in their heads. They have no idea what is going on in their heads. They see themselves as golden.  They offer so much, martyr so much and are complete lucid and without rational acceptance.

Robin was abusive - I left - he feels he was taken advantage of entirely.  He is the one who had to put up with so much of me. He is angered that I put him in the position - he is frustrated that I am actually asking him to sign the paper work.  Yes, I instigated the separation.  Yes, he needed to create agreement. I broke the agreement because I filed before he was ready.  I did what all people do - I abandoned him. That wasn't the deal. 

I am the one who is taking advantage of him.  I am the one who has stolen his money, his time, his hours and hours of labor to support my parasitic needs while he toils hour upon hour.  As always, it is more than my dilemma that is on his pallet.  There is the tax man, the WCB man and the others who take away his spirit.

I can't help but feel sorry for him.  It never comes one at a time - always in bulk like Costco almonds. 





Today the Realtor came and put a sign on my lawn.  I experienced some of the deepest pain I could have ever felt.  Robin is punch drunk and he will be for a while.  Contrary to his thoughts, I have nothing but compassion for him.  He can't cope and as usual is spiraling out of emotional control.  He needs a fix but he can't get it. 

I feel compassion, sorrow for him, and even pity.  It bothers me to see him so low.  I don't wish that on anyone.  I don't know how to address it and it is better that I don't. 

I dunno what this life holds - but I hate to think that I caused someone pain.  But be clear - I did my best in the relationship and I couldn't have done any more. 

This man needs help. Tonight - as all the nights I shared my life with him - I pray for him to receive it.

So much keeps happening

The Realtor popped his sign onto my lawn this morning.  I cried. I know what happened, understand it and all, but I need to feel the sorrow as well. And I am. Wholeheartedly. The good news is that once this phase is all over, a new beginning for me shall arise and like a Phoenix, rising from the ashes, a new life will be born.


It seems to be hard for Robin but I dunno.  He had his blow up, partially instigated by me as I couldn't handle waiting any longer for what would be inevitable.  It wasn't too bad but he still hasn't signed the paper work.  He sent me a note suggesting that he thought that we could still work it out.  I said no - not until the past is burned away and gone sufficient enough so that it doesn't matter.  I am not sure when or if that time will ever come. I doubt it though. Once people move on it is pretty rare - especially under these circumstances - for them to ever fully recover. The damage is too deep. 


If it wasn't for the emotional and verbal abuse - descriptions to describe me as a parasite, or subsistent - well maybe we could.  I will always be a parasite to him and he will always want to control my being - how much I work, when I work or even why I work.  I am better on my own. No major stress when you are having to simply rely on yourself.  It is a frightening experience when you are being judged by the person who's arms are supposed to be the safest place in the world.

In all honesty, a part of me is afraid.  I don't know what will happen to me. I don't know what I will do when the house is fully gone and I have to rely only upon myself.  I will have no job initially, no source of income, a boat but not a real home, friends who love me - the golden ticket.  It is happening all so fast and yet I do not wish for it to slow down for if it does, I fear I will return to the familiar.  That is not where I belong anymore.


Wish me luck dear cyberspace - I am on the adventure of a lifetime. Hmmmm....