New Supply

Well, to my relief - in the oddest of ways, I learned that my NPD man has moved on to his next supply source. They are going away together for the weekend.  He was on the dating sites for a really short time and so this is not unlike what I could predict to be the behavior of a person with NPD.  In fact, I think that my need to be right about this diagnoses has just been validated.  The first genuine validation I have had thus far.  The divorce papers ironically were going to be served this weekend - never mind the ink not dry - it isn't even sighed yet. How do I feel right now?  Actually, surprisingly good.  He will do lots of great things with the new gal and she will have a wonderful time. Maybe he can find happiness in her - we all deserve it.

I feel a sense of guilt removed.  Burden gone.  When I saw his eyes the other day, they were blank.  There was nothing in them.  Maybe now, I can stop trying to save us.  I know how he is in life.  I can leave this alone and not push anymore.  He is incapable of meaningful relationships.  They will have so much fun.  I hope that she enjoys herself. She will soon enough feel his wrath.  I hope she is stronger than me.  He Needs a companion and adoration comes quickly and fluidly.  I can see the rewrite of my life in her eyes and I have never met her. He will cast a spell on her. I pray with all my heart for the girl.

I partially can't breathe.  I am partially elated.  I am numb and have a headache but I had that while waiting because I knew that he was up to something.  Ah thank goodness - I am okay.

Goodbye and hello.  I dunno  - but that part of closure I am okay with.

The victim mentality

One of the hardest parts in dealing with a person who has a personality disorder of any kind is dealing with the victim mentality.  But I want to address it not only from how we view them, but from how they seem to view us.  It is my belief that they see us as the victims. They believe that we are hurting them and it is us that has taken advantage of their goodness, their generosity and we have taken their spirits. It is interesting to look at the dynamics of victims.  It isn't just a "poor me" mentality.

In my experience, my partner believed that he paid for everything and that I was merely a taker.  It did not matter that I worked for his company, or that I looked after the family home.  His view was that I was not working as hard as he was and so I was not working for our family.  This was untrue as I held a full time job, while raising my family and working on his business.  But, because I did not hand him the dollars, and because I got up later than he did, (I worked nights) that I wasn't sharing the load. When I complained that this was untrue and that I was confident that my input was equal to his, but different, he claimed that he was the "supplier" and that I showed no appreciation.  I thanked him every day of our marriage.  And abundantly at that! When I would discuss it with him, I was lecturing him and I needed to change the tone of my voice.

With every action is a subsequent reaction.  While you are in reaction you feel like a victim.  He believes he is the victim of your reactions.  Your reactions are caused by the verbal slander against your character and about what you believe about yourself.  What you believe about yourself is that you are giving your partner everything within your power to make them feel better about themselves.  You are the one who is doing the giving and they are the one that is doing the taking. See the role reversal?

Getting out of reaction is the difficult part.  I am far from out of reaction because I want my partner to take back the abusive words.  I don't want him to mean what he said - that in his view, I am a lazy parasite.  I don't want him to call be subsistent or the many other horrible words he uses to put me down and hurt my spirit.  It isn't true.  I don't want him to hate me - but he does when the venom comes out.  He means what he says.  I feel like the victim.  He believes that he is the victim.  The circle continues and in it's wake is crazy making and disfunction. The trauma hits us both.

How do we deal with it?  The first part is to recognize that there are numerous injuries at play.  A person who is narcisistic believes that they are correct in their view of your inadequacy.  You are not giving them what they want or suppling them with the adoration that they need. That makes them feel victimised. Narcissists have an empty cup.  They can't fill it and so they try to get their validation from other people.  When the supply does not suit their needs they use words like " I am not getting anything out of this!" or  " This is a waste of time" and " The counselors don't know what they are talking about!"  Sadly, they really don't get anything out of the conversation.  They feel that they are doing everything that they can to support you - but you are trying to do everything you can to change them. Narcissists don't like change.

When they have finished with you - you are disposed of like trash.   How do you not feel like a victim? And as a result you will find yourself trying to understand how someone can view you so badly.  That is the codependant part. I invite you to figure out what started the cycle.  I invite you to consider your reactions to the attacks.   How angry are you?  How can you deal with that anger  in really constructive ways.  When will you have finished with the anger?  How does it effect your every day life?  Have you stopped feeling?  Are you now part of the problem or part of the solution?  What does it mean to the rest of your life?

There is a lot to consider.  

Closure

Getting closure from someone who has NPD and BPD is the next best thing to impossible.  You have to ask yourself what does closure look like?  What is it that you need?  Is it validation or awareness or could it be that you are wanting to get back together again and you are trying to leave a window open?  What do you want or need?  What unmet needs are being ignored?  How is it possible to satisfy these needs in a healthy and productive way?

When you are dealing with an NPD/BPD, they see things only from their point of view. They can't look at the relationship in a healthy way because they are missing a part of their brain that has empathy.  They find themselves uncomfortable and they squirm when you are trying to speak to them.  The difficulty in this is that the person who does not have a personality disorder can't relate.  The project becomes difficult as the narcissistic source is replaced.  When the narcissist has replaced you there is  little chance that you will get through to them. You will likely continue to go unheard.

It is about crazy making .  A narcissist is a crazy maker.  There worse fears are projected on you and they cannot bear the thought of being less than perfect.  So, how can you compete with that? Sadly you can't.  You will want revenge. You will want to do something or say something to hurt them.  You have already caused Narcisistic Injury by approaching them in the first place.This injury is so deep that the person almost puts themselves in a torture box, that you will never be able to penetrate.  They are in a state of mental prison and your asking them to validate the black coffin can't come with words.  the words are simply not there and the burden of relieve must come from within yourself.

The most difficult part for me is looking into his eyes.  They used to be so loving but now they look like those of a scared puma.  They are ready to hurt you but they are also blank and there is nothing behind them.  It is a haunting  experience because while you were with your partner, the eyes gave you the love that you wanted to see so badly. Even if it wasn't real.  I do believe that narcissists love as deeply as they can but that love is easily replaced once they are faced with a less than perfect ideal.

How do you get closure?  You have to find it from within.

Blank stares

Hi there - haven't dropped by for awhile.  Thought I was handling things Oh so Well! Sadly, that is a crock. I am not handling the break up well at all.  The divorce and separation are complete and frankly that is the good thing. The hard part is dealing with the aftermath.  I wanted to be someone to him.  I am not.  I wanted to be loved and trusted by him - never gonna happen.  I don't like him anymore and I stress at the thought of seeing him and talking to him because I know that it will be another hour of unfinished business.  BPD and NPD men are victims and they don't see each other in any other way.  They don't listen, or hear - they don't see anything but how they are affected by the other and then they blame.  "It was You who made this choice - I just went a long for the ride".  He named his company after a God like presence.  The NPD in him needed to feel like a hero.  Hero's don't leave their wives when the going gets tough.  They stand up and do what needs to be done.  He lied.

And along with that goes the unfinished business of never getting any sense of satisfaction.  I have to be okay with that.  I am not.  I will never be okay with it.  I don't know how I can be.  Letting go of the reality is not the problem - logically I know what is going on, but mentally I can't wrap my brain around it.  I am getting a bit closer - but I still am far from understanding.

It is difficult to move forward when you have a death like this - but he is alive.  Answers should come. And they should come from all of this. Something should.

I am disjointed and tired. Heartbroken and confident that I know nothing yet about how all this works.  But there is something to it all.  I wish beyond all, than I knew what it was.

NPD - BPD

Often when people have BPD they have NPD and I from what I have read, they are completely intertwined.  I found a character on You Tube who discusses NPD eloquently. He discusses NPD from a male perspective but he also took the majority of Robin's symptoms and breathed life into my everyday experience.  I invite you to watch them if you suspect that your partner, like mine, is either BPD or Narcissistic. The videos are rather poignant and very true for my life. There are at least 12 of these short films. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24sjYlydAuw&feature=related

If nothing else, I have found that the crazy making component of the disorder is the most difficult and yet one of the most important characteristics of these conditions. 

Back in the Trap. Out babe.

I am such an idiot. 

Back in the trap again - the one where he says something stupid and I have such a verbose need to strike back.  I know it.............I hit, bit, snipped at the buttons that he left dangling for me.  One bit of emotion, withdrawl of affection - you deserve it, no you don't ................he is in the cycle.

Which translates in real terms to " I am in the cycle".

So now that I am in it, I get to decide.  Do I want to play or do I want to stop responding all together.  Look, if he needs to feel like he has the upper hand - let him think that way.  So what.  It doesn't have to affect you if you don't let it. 

He was an abusive man and he knows how to play the game.  You are wanting, as usual, to change the mind of a man who isn't capable of changing his tactics.  You keep wanting him to react like a normal person would. He can't.  He can't - and I repeat again - He CAN'T............and no amount of compassion will ever stop him from creating drama in your life.  You are the only one who can end the drama. 

He is in Cycle. You don't have to be.  You don't have to react or lower yourself - he doesn't and won't get it.
Not today, tomorrow - never.

In just a few short weeks ....................this will all be done. You won't have to worry about being nice or being kind, or being afraid.

Almost there.

And there it is.

Never offer a person with BPD an olive branch.  Their communication field is way out of wack.  Their perception is confusing and you think that everything is fine - then wham.  They come back at you with resentment and anger and they just don't see their contribution to the problem.  They are perpetual victims, "just trying to get through". There wrath or hurt or anxiety or frustration has no bearing on you.  You have no idea what is going on in their heads. They have no idea what is going on in their heads. They see themselves as golden.  They offer so much, martyr so much and are complete lucid and without rational acceptance.

Robin was abusive - I left - he feels he was taken advantage of entirely.  He is the one who had to put up with so much of me. He is angered that I put him in the position - he is frustrated that I am actually asking him to sign the paper work.  Yes, I instigated the separation.  Yes, he needed to create agreement. I broke the agreement because I filed before he was ready.  I did what all people do - I abandoned him. That wasn't the deal. 

I am the one who is taking advantage of him.  I am the one who has stolen his money, his time, his hours and hours of labor to support my parasitic needs while he toils hour upon hour.  As always, it is more than my dilemma that is on his pallet.  There is the tax man, the WCB man and the others who take away his spirit.

I can't help but feel sorry for him.  It never comes one at a time - always in bulk like Costco almonds. 





Today the Realtor came and put a sign on my lawn.  I experienced some of the deepest pain I could have ever felt.  Robin is punch drunk and he will be for a while.  Contrary to his thoughts, I have nothing but compassion for him.  He can't cope and as usual is spiraling out of emotional control.  He needs a fix but he can't get it. 

I feel compassion, sorrow for him, and even pity.  It bothers me to see him so low.  I don't wish that on anyone.  I don't know how to address it and it is better that I don't. 

I dunno what this life holds - but I hate to think that I caused someone pain.  But be clear - I did my best in the relationship and I couldn't have done any more. 

This man needs help. Tonight - as all the nights I shared my life with him - I pray for him to receive it.