Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The victim mentality

One of the hardest parts in dealing with a person who has a personality disorder of any kind is dealing with the victim mentality.  But I want to address it not only from how we view them, but from how they seem to view us.  It is my belief that they see us as the victims. They believe that we are hurting them and it is us that has taken advantage of their goodness, their generosity and we have taken their spirits. It is interesting to look at the dynamics of victims.  It isn't just a "poor me" mentality.

In my experience, my partner believed that he paid for everything and that I was merely a taker.  It did not matter that I worked for his company, or that I looked after the family home.  His view was that I was not working as hard as he was and so I was not working for our family.  This was untrue as I held a full time job, while raising my family and working on his business.  But, because I did not hand him the dollars, and because I got up later than he did, (I worked nights) that I wasn't sharing the load. When I complained that this was untrue and that I was confident that my input was equal to his, but different, he claimed that he was the "supplier" and that I showed no appreciation.  I thanked him every day of our marriage.  And abundantly at that! When I would discuss it with him, I was lecturing him and I needed to change the tone of my voice.

With every action is a subsequent reaction.  While you are in reaction you feel like a victim.  He believes he is the victim of your reactions.  Your reactions are caused by the verbal slander against your character and about what you believe about yourself.  What you believe about yourself is that you are giving your partner everything within your power to make them feel better about themselves.  You are the one who is doing the giving and they are the one that is doing the taking. See the role reversal?

Getting out of reaction is the difficult part.  I am far from out of reaction because I want my partner to take back the abusive words.  I don't want him to mean what he said - that in his view, I am a lazy parasite.  I don't want him to call be subsistent or the many other horrible words he uses to put me down and hurt my spirit.  It isn't true.  I don't want him to hate me - but he does when the venom comes out.  He means what he says.  I feel like the victim.  He believes that he is the victim.  The circle continues and in it's wake is crazy making and disfunction. The trauma hits us both.

How do we deal with it?  The first part is to recognize that there are numerous injuries at play.  A person who is narcisistic believes that they are correct in their view of your inadequacy.  You are not giving them what they want or suppling them with the adoration that they need. That makes them feel victimised. Narcissists have an empty cup.  They can't fill it and so they try to get their validation from other people.  When the supply does not suit their needs they use words like " I am not getting anything out of this!" or  " This is a waste of time" and " The counselors don't know what they are talking about!"  Sadly, they really don't get anything out of the conversation.  They feel that they are doing everything that they can to support you - but you are trying to do everything you can to change them. Narcissists don't like change.

When they have finished with you - you are disposed of like trash.   How do you not feel like a victim? And as a result you will find yourself trying to understand how someone can view you so badly.  That is the codependant part. I invite you to figure out what started the cycle.  I invite you to consider your reactions to the attacks.   How angry are you?  How can you deal with that anger  in really constructive ways.  When will you have finished with the anger?  How does it effect your every day life?  Have you stopped feeling?  Are you now part of the problem or part of the solution?  What does it mean to the rest of your life?

There is a lot to consider.  

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