Blank stares

Hi there - haven't dropped by for awhile.  Thought I was handling things Oh so Well! Sadly, that is a crock. I am not handling the break up well at all.  The divorce and separation are complete and frankly that is the good thing. The hard part is dealing with the aftermath.  I wanted to be someone to him.  I am not.  I wanted to be loved and trusted by him - never gonna happen.  I don't like him anymore and I stress at the thought of seeing him and talking to him because I know that it will be another hour of unfinished business.  BPD and NPD men are victims and they don't see each other in any other way.  They don't listen, or hear - they don't see anything but how they are affected by the other and then they blame.  "It was You who made this choice - I just went a long for the ride".  He named his company after a God like presence.  The NPD in him needed to feel like a hero.  Hero's don't leave their wives when the going gets tough.  They stand up and do what needs to be done.  He lied.

And along with that goes the unfinished business of never getting any sense of satisfaction.  I have to be okay with that.  I am not.  I will never be okay with it.  I don't know how I can be.  Letting go of the reality is not the problem - logically I know what is going on, but mentally I can't wrap my brain around it.  I am getting a bit closer - but I still am far from understanding.

It is difficult to move forward when you have a death like this - but he is alive.  Answers should come. And they should come from all of this. Something should.

I am disjointed and tired. Heartbroken and confident that I know nothing yet about how all this works.  But there is something to it all.  I wish beyond all, than I knew what it was.