So much keeps happening

The Realtor popped his sign onto my lawn this morning.  I cried. I know what happened, understand it and all, but I need to feel the sorrow as well. And I am. Wholeheartedly. The good news is that once this phase is all over, a new beginning for me shall arise and like a Phoenix, rising from the ashes, a new life will be born.


It seems to be hard for Robin but I dunno.  He had his blow up, partially instigated by me as I couldn't handle waiting any longer for what would be inevitable.  It wasn't too bad but he still hasn't signed the paper work.  He sent me a note suggesting that he thought that we could still work it out.  I said no - not until the past is burned away and gone sufficient enough so that it doesn't matter.  I am not sure when or if that time will ever come. I doubt it though. Once people move on it is pretty rare - especially under these circumstances - for them to ever fully recover. The damage is too deep. 


If it wasn't for the emotional and verbal abuse - descriptions to describe me as a parasite, or subsistent - well maybe we could.  I will always be a parasite to him and he will always want to control my being - how much I work, when I work or even why I work.  I am better on my own. No major stress when you are having to simply rely on yourself.  It is a frightening experience when you are being judged by the person who's arms are supposed to be the safest place in the world.

In all honesty, a part of me is afraid.  I don't know what will happen to me. I don't know what I will do when the house is fully gone and I have to rely only upon myself.  I will have no job initially, no source of income, a boat but not a real home, friends who love me - the golden ticket.  It is happening all so fast and yet I do not wish for it to slow down for if it does, I fear I will return to the familiar.  That is not where I belong anymore.


Wish me luck dear cyberspace - I am on the adventure of a lifetime. Hmmmm....