Day 4, Movement

Everything is set. I have canceled my trip to Mexico and from the 10th to the 17th of April, I will prepare for the sale of my home. It sucks actually. I know this sounds bad, but I wish he was dead and then I could stay in my house, and have a little bit of money and live happily ever after instead of starting life all over again. I think every woman can relate to me. I think we all want our spouses to be dead once in a while. We don't really mean it, but when you are hurt, the fantasy becomes more and more pleasant. It takes away some of the pain. Having said that, Karma as a general rule is my best friend. Karma has been good to me and over the years, the universe has been particularly kind to me.

My friends have always told me that I wear rose colored glasses. For the most part, I think that is true. I would rather see the good in people and be screwed once in a while, than see the bad and feel horrible everyday. I don't really want Robin to die, I just don't look forward to moving. I know that my future is bright, and there is something quite wonderful about being on my own and writing a new course of life. I have thought about of tons of things I would like to do and some I have begun the process of doing already.

There is a deafening silence in the present. I drive down the road and find myself crying. I feel every pang and remember who Robin used to be. How he just isn't the person whom I believed he was. It catches me off guard sometimes. Then I start to obsess about the stuff I wish would have happened, instead of what did. At that moment, I reach up and look into my rear view mirror and I catch a glimpse of my weeping eyes and I know that I need to pull myself together. There are a lot of people who depend on me. I depend on me. On my rear view mirror I keep a collection of elastic bands that I use to pull my long hair away from my face. I slip one off and I place it around my wrist. The next time I think of him, I will thwack myself. A good pull is a great motivator to stop a compulsive thought. I turn on the radio and begin to sing to Bon Jovi's Lost Highway... " I'm bustin' lose and lettin go....out on this open road.....hit the gas and get away on this lost highway......."

As the day progresses I turn back to the tasks I have at hand. Prepping the house for sale. It will be a long process, divided equally between working and commuting the hour it takes to get back home. I had great plans for that house. I wanted to create an English garden in the front yard, abundant with colorful flowers. Peonies, Lazy Susans, Shasta Daisy's, roses and assorted butterfly bushes, all vibrant with summer color and a gentle fragrance that offered sheer delight to whomever would visit my castle.

The house is rustic but had a sixty thousand dollar renovation a couple of years ago, complete with a new roof and skylights in the main living area and in the kitchen. I chose everything from the tiles to the paint and even though it is far from perfect, it has a certain charm to it. The tile looks like something you would find in the Caribbean Sea, a rich blue wafted with purples and lavenders. Truly amazing floor with heated tile to keep the tootsies warm. In the center of the kitchen, an island with a Gen-air range and ample storage space. The kitchen cabinetry was hand made by some family friends and boasts a beautiful stained-glass door on one of the cupboards. All of the appliances are stainless steel and the counter tops are a faux black marble. It is a truly lovely place to hang out. The open floor plan leads to a sunken living area and has rich wood floors. The living room has a double french door and looks much like the one that was at our honeymoon hotel. The hearth on the fireplace is a tile made replicating a natural stone found in the Lake District in England. I chose it because when we visited Robin's homeland he remarked how he loved the area and the stone so very much and that it reminded him of his parents, and his favorite man Pop, whose ashes were all laid to rest in the Lakes Area of his homeland. I felt it was the right tribute to his family.

Over this last year, I have spent considerable time separating myself from the house. Almost every day I am there, I offer gratitude for this place I have grown so attached to but I know deeply, that now that I can not return to this marriage, the house must be home to someone else. In a way, I feel that I have prepared it lovingly for another family. It is hard to leave but it would be harder to stay.

I have a lot to do to get her ready. She needs some minor repair work done. Having said that, the process of removing myself has started. I have packed more boxes in my mind than I have actually finished. But each day, I try to pack a little more and that makes me feel sad.One can't be happy about saying goodbye to a life. You can be imaginative as to what your life will become, but it is difficult to watch dreams go unfulfilled.

Yesterday was Robin's birthday. I sent a simple Happy Birthday, void of embellishments. I imagine Heather has called him to wish him well, so he won't be completely sad. Someone remembers him. I am sure he will go skiing, or snowboarding or do something with his day. I am also sure that he is thinking of me. I think he must be thinking a little bit about us, because this will be the first time that there is no communication on a special day. It is also Easter Weekend. I will go to my friends home on the island and visit her family. We will laugh and enjoy the day. And, I will think about Robin. I will wish him well, and I will be melancholy. I loved him after all. The true mourning process has begun.

Another pull on the elastic.