Waterfalls on the Inside

Driving home tonight was so difficult.  I finally understand what people mean when they say that they "are crying on the inside".  It is a rather unusual place.  I recall my mom saying it a lot, and that was a woman who struggled with life and had some really tough choices to make.For me, inside, it feels like a sheet of rain pelting through my chest. There is a thin layer between my lungs and my breasts that heaves like water coming over a waterfall. It is thick. It isn't coming from my eyes, though at any moment and without warning, the dam may burst.  Everything hurts, my back my legs, my shoulders and arms.  It is a dull thickness that permeates into my core.  I don't really feel myself.  I feel a bit like a zombie.  A little punch drunk.

Upon walking into my house, all I saw was a shitload of work.  I can't imagine where I will begin.  I don't recall ever being such a horrible house keeper, but I can't bring myself to attention long enough to get anything done.  It just isn't that important right now.

He called today. I didn't answer.  It is better that I don't, for I don't know what I would say.  Secretly,  I am pretending that he is calling to apologize for everything he did over these last ten years, and that he was so very wrong for being so abusive.  A vow to be a better husband, a better man.  But he can't be any of those things and if he did tell me - I couldn't believe him.  They would be nothing more than a smoke screen and the cycle of Oz would begin again.

This is the part I want to remember.  The part that hurts.  The part where I am still logical enough to know how much was said and done to bring me to the end of my rope.  Some time down the road, I may remember things differently, and romanticize  the loving feelings again, but they will only ever bring me back here - to sadness.  That is why I am writing it down.  I want to remember how much of it is the illness and how much of it is the denial.

I think I will watch Walt Disney's Pokahontas.  When she makes the decision, for "just around the river bend," I always cry over that movie, but they are tears of strength not defeat.   I, like she, stands strong and takes the tougher road. 

"Something wonderful waits for me, just around the river bend."