It is okay that it is all about me today

The roller coaster ride of emotions is liken to the Niagra Falls.  On the one hand, people are influenced by the sheer power of the water, but from an emotional standpoint - I wish that I didn't feel like such a grand tourist attraction.  My friends, in their desire to be helpful, don't understand why I even shed the tears.  They lovingly tell me that Robin is better off gone from my life, and that I really need to move on and be okay with this all. And, even though I know that they are right - the mourning process is still one that is clearly, on it's own time.


All of last week I took off of work so that I could prep the house for my Realtor to come in and tell me of our combined accumulation.  I am nervous but in a good way.  The hardest parts are over now.  I have sorted the photo's, burned a whack of crap and am beginning to feel detached from that element of my life.  It was particularly difficult to go through the pictures.  Much like the death of a loved one, this kind of break-up is absolute and without answers.  And no matter how much I want him to be different, it will  never be unless he can take account for his abuse.  I love the man - but I detest the disease.  If it were not for the abuse, I suspect we would have lived happily ever after.   That part makes me mad.  Boarderline Personality Disorder kills people.  Kills their spirit and leaves a train wreck that can't be understood.  What happened? How did it get like this? Who are you?  No amount of questioning can ever provide the straight answers.

For all of that, today I found a dozen more gray hairs and several more wrinkles from all of the tears I have cried.  On the upside, I have packed a lot of boxes, and been flooded by the generosity of friends whose undying support, is a grateful diversion.  They keep me in check, even when I would rather check out.  I have much to do, and many more days ahead.  It is the nights that are the hardest.  Clean sheets, a fresh comforter, a cold beer and a chick flick.  I will get through - at least for today.

The most important lesson for me today, is self care.  I took care of Robin to the exclusion of all else and now I can choose to take care of me.  I may not really know who I am anymore, but I do know that I am important, beautiful, kind and worthy of respect.  Tonight, it is okay for it to be about me.

Can't wait to taste the popcorn.