Day 5, Big Boat Home

Well, what a grand time I had at my friends house. I am on the ferry now, returning home to my chaos. I take a breath and look out the window.

Even though I am on the ferry, I can't help but reflect on how wonderful it is to sleep on board my boat and to reconnect to my core. When Robin and I first experienced problems in our marriage, I bought a sailboat. I needed something that was simply mine. I had been in and out of hotels or staying on friends couches. As I put all of these ideas to print, I remember why I left, and the stories come like floods into my remembrance. As there are such whirlwinds of thoughts as I express them I am sure they will seem a bit disjointed, so please dear readers bear with me. As they slowly unravel, the madness of my life will emerge and the pieces will come to make sense.

How did I get to the boat decision? Well, one of my girlfriends knew that I was struggling and she came to my rescue and offered me a room in her basement. She and I had known each other for over ten years, and she had known me when Robin and I weren't even a glimmer. In fact, she had known me when I was with Charles. She called and upon hearing of my situation immediately came to my aid. She said that the room I could stay in was her husbands favorite space in the house. It was iconic. Everyone in the neighborhood knew of that room. It was an odd place. Her husband was a huge fan of Scarface, and he created a room that was aptly a replica of his icon's office, complete with closed circuit television, an over sized leather chair, a crystal carafe full of whiskey sitting upon a chunky black desk and adorned with the script of the movie. The room was painted a bright red and had shiny black marble floors. Painted in black and red on the wall was a giant globe with the words "The world is yours". This room was something beyond words. I will share more of that story another day, but suffice to say, this room gave me an odd courage. I tried to decide what I would do and one night in the darkest room I had ever slept in, it came to me. Amid the Tommy Gun's and the photo's of Tony Montana, I returned to the pleasantries of the sea.

Boating has always been important to me and when I was in my late teens and early twenties, I lived on one that resembled an old toy Barbie boat. I loved the life. It was one of my favorite memories and so when Robin and I first started the separation roller coaster, I knew that I needed something that was mine. I did not want to feel homeless ever again. Especially, when my future with Tony Montana would be a temporary leg up on a new view of life. Having said that, the first step to independence had begun. My boat was love at first sight. I found her on Craig's list, right around the time that the famous book "The Secret" had begun it's hype. The owner had carefully chosen photos that would give a good feel for what the boat had to offer. I was captivated. I thought it would be impossible for me to buy her. I had some money, but not really very much. I just kept seeing her in my mind. I knew she would be mine, so I went to the bank, and convinced the loans manager that she was a steal. After looking at the internet picture printouts, the manager agreed and within about a month from viewing her, test sailing her, and having her properly surveyed,she was mine. From the moment go, I knew this would be a strength and wehn I am at my lowest, I dream of her. There are lots of wonderful stories I will share about my vessel later, but for now, back to the ferry ride to the mainland.

My friends party was spectacular. Her house filled with the smells of delicious food, prepared lovingly for her family. She is an extraordinary hostess and her grown boys are a delight to be around. She became a two time grandma this year and she particularly glows in the presence of her beautiful grand daughter. The house was full of noise, and laughter and joy and I was in the center of a new hope for myself.

I have always wanted to be connected to a family. I wanted that for my son but sadly, I have not been a good provider of a family for him. My first husband, my son's dad, was a boozer. When the choice came between a sack of beer or diapers, I chose the diapers, while he chose the beer. Charles was a good man, just not a dependable, fully functional adult. I know that sounds awful, but raising my son alone had much better odds, than watching him witness his fathers lack of control. It is said that second marriages don't work out, and in fact the statistics are pretty much lean that they work out less than first time marriages by and far. I would not be a statistic however. I chose better. I did not choose an alcoholic a second time and I knew the first time the error I had made. I was young when Charles and I met and I married for freedom. I did not marry for the right reasons and I knew it even the day that we exchanged vows. I was just too much of a coward to walk away. So after about 14 years, we ended and we closed our relationship as friends. Today, we are still extremely respectful to each other and he participates in our son's life as best as he can with the limitations of his world.

When I married Robin, I thought I had upgraded. Unfortunately, I turned in one mans lack of boundaries for another. In retrospect, my son and Robin are close, and I wanted a better father for him. In fact, they get on well, but I think it is mostly because I have been a strong buffer between them. Especially, when my son was a small fry. I had great hopes of providing for my baby the most nurturing of families complete with a loving step father and a doting mother. I wanted a warm comforting family for him to grow up in. Instead, I put him in the lines of fire. He saw, and heard horrible things. I wanted to protect him, but he didn't understand when I would call the police and have Robin removed after he had smashed another door down or thrown his glass against the walls so that the fragments shattered like explosions in a war. That guilt is probably the biggest burden I carry. When you bring kids into this life, you have such high hopes for what the future will be for them. It is so hard to see those dreams destroyed. For my son, mommy had failed not once but twice. The feelings that I had at my friends party, were reminiscent of my hopes and dreams. A house full of laughing children, and grandparents lovingly blowing up balloons.

I felt a paradox of what I had wanted and what was too late for me to create in my now 18 year old's life. How could I recoup this? One of the other reasons I bought the boat was to reconnect with my son and invite him into something wonderful. I keep that in mind as I look into the future.

I gaze back out the window and realize we are about to dock. The journey to my house another two hours away. I feel numb inside. Happy for my friends life, but numb for my own. The tears well up as I disembark.