The Yo-Yo effect.

Each day that I rise, I ask myself if I have made the right decision.  Each day, I remind myself why staying is not an option.

I saw the lawyer again yesterday, not quite finished the draft process of the separation and divorce agreements.  I was really frightened because I did not know how Robin would react to receiving the papers. When you are dealing with a person who has a skewed view of fairness, it is tough to make a move without fearing the consequences. 

Robin phoned yesterday 3 times, which in itself is a reduction of calls. I couldn't take even one of them. I was afraid that he would hoover me in again and I would be back at virtually square one. It was not worth the risk.  I asked the lawyer if I should inform him of the ensuing documents, and he felt it would be wiser to let him know first by email; that way if he did get violent the lawyer would be able to intervene with a restraining order as part of the package. He left the decision to me. So,  I wrote a clear and very concise message explaining that I had made the decision to end the marriage. i had it read by a good friend to ensure that I had not left any wholes in the wording.

He left a cold reply in return.  Frankly, that was a surprise. I assumed he would be much more volatile and perhaps explode. He didn't.  He called again today, but this time left no message. I just checked my email, and nothing.  I question if this is the calm before the storm.  It always gets quiet just before the big boom.  I am bracing myself for the worse.

I finish work today and then I am off for a few days.  I need to have a few things that he had damaged in the past repaired, and in some cases replaced.  You can't very well sell a house that has the front panel kicked out of it.  I cleverly turned it into a pocket window with some plywood and a little paint.  But, it is not the safest, nor the prettiest patch job. In all honesty,  it gets a little expensive replacing doors. No noe could tell from the road of my expert patch work, but upon knocking at the door it is as plain as day.  There are lots of those kinds of patches all through the house. I have patches upon patches in some rooms.

Don't get me wrong. The house doesn't look like some low end trailer trash unit, on the contrary, it is rather lovely but it has felt the war path of Robins anger. I am not some gigantic overweight woman with a roller in my hair and a cigarette hanging out of my mouth.  I am not shrieking at the top of my lungs " Stanley, get in here!" while scratching my ass in the kitchen in my unkempt, over sized plaid dress. In fact, my home and my appearance don't fit the profile of a domestic war zone even a little bit. As I walk through, I remember the events and when I take the time to reflect upon them, I wonder again, how I could have ever let my life take such a turn.  I shake my head.

He will undoubtedly come.  It is just a matter of days, or weeks or even hours.  He will come and be charming, offer assistance to help prep the house so that he will appear to be okay with the choices I have now made for my life.  Dr. Hyde, will also arrive but to what degree, only time will tell.

I feel like a yo-yo.  The ball drops down, and along the string  it comes back up. It is held by the child I married and the yarn that lets it down, is all bawled up.  The yo yo is made of a shiny red lacquered wood and if the child decides, he can use it as a weapon to take my spirit out. I can almost feel it approaching my head. Up and down, up and down. 

I have grown out of the game.